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I had been feeling a bit heavy as of late. While I am doing several life enriching activities, I am also working 3 jobs and finding very little room in my schedule for down time or just plain old fun. I had this trip planned to come meet my mom and my aunt on the east coast. I had a late Thursday night, I had worked 2 jobs, I got little sleep and woke up at 430am Friday in order to get on the road early enough to make it across the state in time to log on to my remote day job. Mornings aren’t my favorite. I was tired. I didn’t want to drive. I was unmotivated, even though I’d been looking forward to this for weeks. I went through the motions of packing and loading my Jeep. I made the 4 hour drive, greeted my mom and my aunt and got to work on my laptop while they went out to enjoy the town.One of the classes I’ve been taking is vocal activation so I was inspired to sing while working. I sang and sang and sang. I’m sure the neighbors heard me. I felt like a kid practicing an instrument they had just learned to play and pictured disgruntled faces on grown ups who were within audio range. 😁 I played music I hadn’t listened to since I was a kid. I reconnected with that part of me. When my family returned and I closed my laptop at the end of my work day, I felt relieved, tired and silly. I was singing to my mom and my aunt. Silly things. Vocal warm ups. Words that sounded funny in different notes. We laughed. We had a snack and they wanted to walk down to the beach near our rental. I was tired. Even the thought of the beach wasn’t exciting. I didn’t let on. I just got in the van, grateful to be spending time with these matriarchs and willing to have a good attitude. I was silly on the way to the beach. I shared about some of the things I’ve been learning. When we got to the beach, I took my shoes off and left them at the end of the path. I walked in the water. Felt my bare feet sinking in the sand. I jumped and twirled and traced shapes in the sand with my feet. I embraced a younger version of myself. One that didn’t have 3 jobs, or stress, or trauma. One that wasn’t critical or fearful of judgement from others. All 3 of us laughed together at the antics. Then I had the idea to take a photo. UNLIMITED. The word I had been singing in my mind throughout the experience. Representative of the vast sea and air before me and also the creative opportunity that resides within me. I usually hate taking pictures of myself and would typically feel entirely too vulnerable to ask someone to take a picture of me. Just me. Because I had an idea that I thought would be cool. Because I felt beautiful and wanted to capture the moment. Because I felt uninhibited, unlimited in that moment. I took a chance. The photo shoot was fun. And funny. I stumbled and waivered as I attempted tree pose. The wind blew my hair into my face in an unflattering way. My double chin was captured. 😳 There were lots of photos that didn’t make the cut. The whole experience was so freeing. So powerful. And to be able to share it with these 2 women who have known me my whole life. Many different versions of me. And who loved all of them. I don’t think I can say that I’ve ever truly loved every version of myself. I’ve forgiven lots of them. I’ve come to terms with some of them. I’ve forgotten some of them. I’ve hated some of them, feared some, and had compassion for others. I’ve started loving versions of me lately. This version that’s grown so much over the years. The version that is more compassionate, forgiving of others, accepting, loving. The version that I truly want to be. But what about when I didn’t, or don’t show up as her? When I fall short. All the times I fell short. When I was spoiled. When I was angry, vindictive even. When I am judgemental of myself and others. When I lied. When I was afraid and didn’t use my voice. When I used my voice to hurt people. When I was embarrassed. When I didn’t show up for the people I care about. When I didnt defend myself. When I layed down and let people hurt me. When I compromised myself to please others. Can I love all of the versions? I’ve never thought to try before now. Today, I came the closest I think I’ve ever been to loving all of me. Every single piece, every single version. It felt so good. We returned to the apartment where I shared more of what I’ve been learning. We broke bread together, we watched fun, lighthearted television, and shared gifts with each other. Material gifts, healing energy gifts, and gifts of stories and presence. It was such beautiful connection. It felt good. I wasn’t bogged down by the exhaustion from earlier in the day. I don’t know exactly when it left, when the shift happened, but I know it started with the decision to embrace the child within and just play.